About Breakfast Smoothies (index)

Breakfast Smoothies is a series of fictional rants by an unemployed, uninsured, boomer-geezer who resides in a gated community in Northern Florida.

A widower, he lives with his girlfriend, Alicia, who makes smoothies every morning. He shares the smoothies while sitting around his pool with whatever neighbors can endure his opinions that day.

His career as a migrant, white collar, systems analyst in the health care industry is fading. For most of his adult life he has been surrounded by a rectum of assholes (see note) whose pretentious opinions he has endured quietly. Now, however, he entertains his neighbors and friends with opinions and advice when they can stand it.

The genesis of the style is Oliver Wendell Holmes who published a series of essays called “The Autocrat at the Breakfast Table” in the Atlantic Monthly magazine in 1857 and 1858. It was emulated by one of my favorite writers, P. J. O’Rourke in “The CEO of the Sofa” in 2001.


Residue of Your Dreams – Tired of dealing with positive thinkers.
A Man Ain’t Got No Culture – Living in a white, gated community in Florida.
Lost – When are we lost?
Tom Swift and the Electronic Potty Box  – Help for the cat.
Up Next – Tired of living with advertising.
Restaurant Signals – Men must organize!
Dishwasher Awards – How do you load yours?
Perked Coffee – Nostalgic look back.
The Most Scenic Drive in America – Believe it!
At The Beach – Are we having fun yet?
Things That Beep – Didja ever notice the things that beep at you these days?
Three Seasons On Cape Cod– No spring? What Thoreau really thought.
A Talk with the Cat – And the cat talks back??
Giving Me Advice – Everybody! All my life!
Explaining to the Grandkid – too much kumbaya?
Symbiotic Relationships – this explains a lot!
Emerson in a World of Twitter – rolling over in his grave?!

Berevement and Grieving:
Bereaved Date – Neighbors mean well.
Personal Adjustment – Adjusting to life.

Teenage Series:
Excuses – Teenage excuses
High School Security – Protecting our teenagers!

(Note: my real life cousin, Ed, claims that assholes always gather in groups called “rectums”)