Breakfast Smoothie – Restaurant Signals

(If you have never read “Breakfast Smoothies” you might want to read the short introductory page. Explanations about the most blatant lies usually follow the essay.)

Men aren’t really in control, and, we’re not that well organized.

Erica just rolled her eyes while Ben nodded in careful agreement.

Daylily“Could you not start in on this subject until Alicia finishes making the smoothie,” he said in a low voice. It is Alicia’s contention that men cause most of the problems in the world and they have been in control far too long. Knowing this, Ben was thinking of his breakfast. He didn’t want me upsetting her before he got his smoothie.

Alicia likes making smoothies and she insists they are good for us. However, she isn’t about to provide table service around the pool (and she shouldn’t, by the way). So after I served smoothies to my two neighbors, I continued.

If I were in charge men would be much better organized than we are now.

“How so?” said Ben (Erica just concentrated on her smoothie).

Well, take last night. Alicia and I went out to eat. Just down the street. Nothing special.

Now, the first thing I look for in a restaurant, after you get past the fake line that the hostess keeps you standing in to make the restaurant look busy from the parking lot, is how many tables have food on them. If half the tables in the place have customers with no food in front of them, you know that there is a problem with production. Either the servers or the kitchen cannot keep up. You’re in for a long wait.

“That’s true,” nodded Ben.

However, we could be much more organized than that.

“What’s this ‘we’ business,” asked Erica.

It’s a matter of teamwork. Working together for the common good. If you see a guy walking in a restaurant and you are just pissed off at the place for some reason there should be a way to warn him while he’s still at the door.

“Like what?”

Hand signals. You should be able to go to the door and if none of the guys seated in the restaurant turns to you and signals, then it is ok to go in. But if half the guys in the place turn to you and give some sort of signal, then you can make your own choice based on the information you receive.

Ben stared at me, “What are you talking about? Are you insane?”

For instance, if the food is really bad, you could put your open hand up to your throat and gag with your tongue out.  If the place is too expensive then you pat your wallet in your back pocket.

Ben said, “So if you look around and three guys turn to you and make like they are gagging, you right away know the food is bad. Right?”

That’s right. The group makes its own mini survey. Quick and simple.

“What other signals have you got?”

I don’t know. I haven’t thought it out that much.

Ben started thinking. “Let’s see, choking means the food is bad, the wallet pat means expensive. How about if the service is slow you hold up your wrist and point to your watch with your other hand?”

That’s it. And if the place is filthy, you hold your nose.

“And if it’s noisy, you put your hands over your ears.”

And if there is one screaming kid, you point to him with your hand like shooting a pistol. Imagine walking in and seeing four guys shooting at the same three-year-old in a high chair.

“If there are bugs, you swat flies.”

And if the drinks are weak you make like your drinking from a glass and turn it into a “thumbs down” signal.

“And heaven help you if you see some guy shooting himself in the head and plopping in the mashed potatoes.”

Right! Then you scoot on out of there.

“I think you’ve got something.”

Erica finally interrupted us. “But you know,” she said, “it’s pretty anachronistic and chauvinistic to think that only guys can do this. This works for guys and girls, both, you know. We can all work together on this.”

I gave her my generational sigh. Good point, Erica.

She got up. “I’m going inside to thank Alicia for another delicious smoothie.”

“No need to signal,” Ben whispered.

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