(If you have never read “Breakfast Smoothies” you might want to read the short introductory page. Explanations about the most blatant lies usually follow the essay.)
There should be an awards show for everyday people, doing everyday things.
“So you didn’t see the Emmy’s last night?” Tim said. Tim watches everything. He must have three TVs, each on a different channel during prime time.
“I know I’m going to be sorry I asked about the Emmy’s. but you are right, Alicia should win an award for these breakfast smoothies. What’s in this one?”
We are drinking Alicia’s Post Award Show Smoothie. It’s made from golden raisins, golden pineapple, and bad-loser prunes.
“Hard on the clean up,” said Ben. Ben was here because he thought Tim might offer some commentary on last night’s winners.
That brings up my ideas for one of the awards.
“I know I shouldn’t ask,” said Ben.
Most Absurd Placement of Dishes in a Dishwasher. Have you noticed how some people load their dishwasher?
“No,” said Ben.
And what are people thinking when they throw silverware loose on the top rack. There is a silverware holder in all dishwashers. I shook my head in disbelief.
“Ben, will you alert the Dishwasher Council,” said Tim.
Ignoring him, I continued.
Do you realize there are people who do not know what to do with long handled serving spoons and knives and ladles?
And then there are the complete idiots that put big pots covering the main dishwasher sprayer. Then nothing gets clean.
Putting one cup on top of another or one bowl over another – these people need to go to dish placement school.
Tim and Ben were looking at each other uncomfortably. But I continued.
Or, placing small stuff so they are sure to drop through to the bottom of the dishwasher.
Or, putting thin knives so the sharp side goes through and prevents the whirly thinger from going around.
“I usually put plastic containers on the bottom and catch hell when they melt,” said Tim, catching the spirit.
“My crime is loading things that are not supposed to go in at all; like the cast iron frying pan or the Belik,” said Ben.
I was taken aback that Ben knew what Belik was, but I had their attention now, so I continued.
Or, jamming a pot so the handle holds the water discharge closed. Big mess.
Or, using laundry detergent instead of dishwasher detergent.
“All right, all right,” Ben stopped me. “Where do you get these ideas, anyway?”
When you’re at a neighbor’s next time, peek into their dishwasher. Just pretend you’re helping clean up. Check out Erica’s for instance. Or even better, look in the dishwasher at the next party you go to. You can see what happens under more stressful situations and to people you barely know.
“You do that!?” Tim and Ben were both looking at me strangely.
Tim sighed as he got up to return his glass to the kitchen. “Let’s hope you don’t branch out to bathroom awards.”